


Exactly What It Seems

by DracoMaleficium



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, DCU, DCU (Comics)
Genre: Casual Sex, Drinking, Even Though It Feels Like Cheating, Featuring Lex Luthor's Dating Advice, Frenemies, Jealousy, M/M, Not Cheating, One Shot, Power Play, So Much Posturing, posturing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-03
Updated: 2018-04-03
Packaged: 2019-04-17 20:22:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14197023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DracoMaleficium/pseuds/DracoMaleficium
Summary: In which Lex Luthor finally scores a victory over Batman, even if the means are... less than conventional.





	Exactly What It Seems

**Author's Note:**

> I've been meaning to write this little bit of silliness for two years now, oops. Finally got around to it last night. Hope you guys enjoy it.
> 
> I just really like making Bruce suffer. 
> 
> (Please heed the tags - what Joker does here is not _technically_ cheating since he and Bruce aren't together, but it may feel like it and the characters definitely play it up this way, so if that's not your cup of tea, better give this story a pass)

The movement, when it came, was impressively swift, a barely there slash of shadow slicing up the flickering serenity of the City of Tomorrow beyond the glass-paned wall. If he hadn’t been expecting it Lex would have missed it entirely — or quite possibly dismissed it as a bird, or a different kind of large flying pest entirely. 

Lex took care not to smile, or even look up. He kept his senses on high alert but made a show of staying in bed with the tablet in his lap, and sighed when he realized he would have to correct his lab team’s math yet again. Honestly. What with the paychecks he was sending them, you’d at least expect them to be able to muddle through the most basic calculations without mucking them up, but apparently the delicate science of predicting the blast radius of a basic Kryptonite laser gun — not even one of Lex’s more advanced designs, for crying out loud — was beyond them. At this rate he might as well hold his next recruitment drive at the nearest high school’s science fair. 

Or better yet, go down to Colorado tomorrow and, once again, do all the legwork himself. 

In fact.

“Mercy?” he spoke out loud. 

“Sir.” Mercy’s voice floated in from the speakers, steady and alert even at 3 in the morning. 

“Get the jet ready. Cancel all my appointments. We’re going for a surprise audit.”

“Will you be going alone, sir?”

Lex did smile at that, just barely. Next to him, the bed shifted, and he spared a glance at the shape under the covers as he stretched out his legs, enjoying the satisfying crack in his knee joints.

“Quite.”

“And how would you like me to handle…”

“It’ll be taken care of,” Lex told her dismissively, and ended the connection. Mercy would know not to pester him for more details, and she’d know that he’d want the jet ready to go at 9 am sharp, so he can still enjoy his morning coffee. 

It was… comforting, to know that there was at least one competent adult other than Lex in his immediate vicinity.

Speaking of which.

He dropped the tablet on his lap and sat up straight in the bed, scanning the shadowed corners of the bedroom.

“Is there any sense asking you how you got in?” he asked a shadow that seemed — once you knew what you were looking for — slightly darker and more richly textured than the others.

The shadow moved, almost grudgingly. It said, “No.”

“Didn’t think so.” Lex crossed his hands behind his head, resting back against the soft plush headboard. “Is there anything I can do for you? Or were you going to spend the whole night menacingly ogling me in bed? Because I did rather hope we were past that, Batman.”

The shadow moved further into the room, detaching itself from the safety of the corner. The lights from the city outside fell at just the right angle to sketch out the tip of a pointy ear, the firm broad curve of a shoulder, the strong line of a jaw. Batman stopped in just the right place so that his long shadow fell dramatically over the bed, and Lex was reluctantly impressed — the guy certainly knew how to loom. As someone who had learned very early on that you could get very far in life just by knowing how to move and posture to make everyone else in the room seem small, Lex could respect that, even if Batman’s penchant for overblown theatricality was not something he personally appreciated.

Still. Lex was the one with the upper hand tonight. It put him in a charitable mood. 

“Care for a drink?” he offered. “It’s a long way from Gotham.”

Batman’s voice, when he spoke, somehow managed to be both commanding and soft. “Where is he.”

“No drinks, then.” Lex shrugged, stretching out in the bed. “Very well. I have no idea who you’re talking about.”

“I know he’s in Metropolis,” Batman insisted, and somehow, without taking a single step, he managed to make his shadow over the bed grow even longer. 

Lex barely resisted the urge to roll his eyes. One day he’d have to get a team out to take a sample of Gotham’s water just to test if there was anything in it that made all the city’s born and bred into — well, this. 

“There’s 11 million people in Metropolis,” Lex informed Batman patiently, “with more coming in every hour of every day. You’ll have to be more specific.”

Apparently, Batman didn’t appreciate the bait. He moved, looking like he was dragging the night itself into the room on the edge of his cape, and attempted to intimidate Lex just by leaning down over him. 

This time Lex didn’t bother restraining the eyeroll. “This again? Really? You do realize that it becomes less and less effective every time you do it.” 

“Where. Is. The Joker.”

“The Joker?” Lex schooled his face into an expression of surprise, and thought he pulled it off rather nicely if he did say so himself. Oh, he was going to enjoy _this_. “Well, why didn’t you just say so?”

“You know where he is.”

“I know the whereabouts of everyone in Metropolis. As it happens though, you’re in luck.” Later, Lex would chalk up this little moment of indulgence to spending too much time around Gothamites, but if he pulled back the covers on the other side of the bed with maybe a little too much flourish than was strictly necessary, well, the only person to judge him was currently wearing a cowl with two pointy ears on it. 

He smiled, and pointed. “Help yourself.” 

Batman flinched — actually _flinched_ , for god’s sake — and definitely took a step back as if Lex had sprayed him with water. It was all Lex could do not to grin as he observed all the little telltale signs of discomfort that would no doubt be imperceptible to anyone else — the way Batman’s mouth tightened into a line that went beyond stern right into rigid, the way he seemed to draw up and inward all at once, the way his entire caped body stiffened. 

The way the pair of white lenses zeroed in on the Joker, sprawled on his back and fast asleep in Lex’s bed in all his rumpled, stark-white, buck-naked glory.

Lex knew exactly how this looked. And he had a pretty good idea of how Batman, of all people, would take to the sight. If anything, this payoff felt even better than the activities that had landed them in this situation to begin with, and that, considering the Joker’s surprising talents, was saying something. Not that Lex would ever tell that to the wretched clown’s face. 

Oh yes, he was definitely enjoying himself now.

It took some time for Batman to speak.

“What is he doing here.”

This time, Lex did indulge in a smirk. “I believe the word is sleeping,” he offered helpfully. “That’s what people tend to do at night, not that _you_ would know anything about it.”

“Luthor.”

“Or did you mean before that? In which case let me just say that, yes. It is exactly what it looks like.”

He spent some immensely rewarding moments watching Batman parse this, and he liked the effect so much that he decided to do something he practically never did under normal circumstances — he stroked Joker’s hair. 

“I do believe I tired him out,” he commented, trying to make the foreign caress appear nonchalant and familiar as though he did it all the time, and quietly revelled in the little tick in Batman’s jaw. _Worth it_. “You’re welcome to him. We’re all done now and he’ll be wanting to go back home soon anyway.”

More silence. It was times like these that Lex wished he could actually see the man’s eyes — he imagined them swivelling from himself to Joker and back again, frantically, like in those idiotic cartoons they tended to have on in the background in the children’s hospitals when he made a show of visiting. 

Finally though the fearsome Bat of Gotham appeared to regain some semblance of mental equilibrium, just enough to attempt intimidation by looming again. It was a rather poor effort, and Lex would know. He’d been on the receiving end often enough that he felt qualified to give this one a measly 2.5 out of 10.

“You’re planning something,” Batman accused. “He wouldn’t be here otherwise.”

Lex shrugged, and let his hand fall from Joker’s hair. He resisted the urge to wipe it on the sheets. “If _he_ is, he didn’t see it fit to share,” he said easily. 

“Then why —”

“I told you: it’s exactly what it looks like.” Lex sat up straight again, and didn’t fail to notice that Batman squared his shoulders in response. He bit back another smile. Oh _please_.

“Sometimes he simply comes over because he wants a distraction,” he explained. “Apparently _someone_ back home wasn’t giving him enough attention.” 

When Batman failed to reply, Lex shrugged again and slung his legs off the side of the bed. He looked up.

“Do you mind? I’ve had quite enough ogling for one night.”

He didn’t wait for a reply, or even check to see if Batman turned around before he got up and strutted over, casual and unhurried, to the wardrobe to retrieve a dressing gown. He was proud of his own body and while he wasn’t about to run streaking down the building, he knew that nakedness was its very own type of weapon if one knew how to wield it. That went double for this bizarre little situation they found themselves in. 

Following the sordid villain gossip from Gotham was not something Lex wanted to waste his precious time on, but he had had his suspicions before. It was difficult not to, especially given how often Joker saw it fit to subject him to one of his “Batman is ignoring me!” rants. Lex had always let most of this drivel wash right off him, but he _had_ taken some time to observe and draw tentative conclusions, just in case he would ever have to factor them into a plan.

Everything in Batman’s reactions now was as good as a confession. 

Interesting.

When he turned back around, tying the cord of the silk dressing gown around his middle, Batman was still rooted to the same spot, staring down at the unmoving Joker. 

Lex’s mouth tugged into a wider smirk. 

Interesting _indeed_.

“Did you drug him,” Batman asked, his voice lacking inflection in a way that seemed rather more pointed than usual. 

Lex raised an eyebrow at him, resting his hands on both hips. “Really? That’s what you’re going with?”

Batman stared at him, his mouth an angry, accusatory line. 

“No, I did not _drug_ him,” Lex huffed. “Who do you take me for?”

“A degenerate murderer who will stop at nothing to get what he wants.”

“I prefer ‘a man of ambition,’ myself,” Lex replied, moving over to the side of the bedroom and through the open door to his adjoining private office, “but let’s not split hairs. No, I did not drug him. I hardly needed to. He came positively pawing and begging me for it, as he usually does. It’s quite embarrassing, really, but then again the man has no shame. Which I’m sure you’d know all about.”

He headed over to the liquor cabinet and made a show of choosing from his prized assortment of nothing but the finest, most expensive bottles before finally landing on the Macallan 1926. He felt the heat of Batman’s glare on the back of his head as he poured himself a glass. 

“On the other hand, maybe you don’t,” he murmured. “And maybe that’s precisely the problem.”

He turned to face Batman again, and offered him the glass. “Sure you don’t want one? Might do you some good. It certainly did him.” He pointed at the bed. 

Batman kept right on glaring at him, as Lex expected he would. He shrugged again and leaned against the cabinet, taking a sip.

He wondered if he could get away with lighting a cigarette, too, but that might be overkill. Lex prided himself on his restraint. Batman looked to be in more than enough pain as it was. 

He waited for Batman to join him in the study, and smiled when the man left the door ajar. 

“I’d expect it of _him_ ,” Batman said in a voice that now came out extra gravelly, “but not of you. You don’t even like Joker.”

“Well spotted.” Lex’s smile grew indulgent. “Lucky for both of us, you don’t necessarily have to like the person you’re fucking. Or have you never heard of hatesex?”

“You’re being unusually forthright.” Lex couldn’t actually see Batman narrowing his eyes, but he could imagine it well enough just from the tone of his voice. “Aren’t you afraid I will use this against you?”

Lex didn’t even think to bother hiding the laugh that bubbled in him at that, because really, wasn’t that just _adorable_? Those vigilante types really were something else. Lex relaxed further against the cabinet.

“Let me guess,” he teased, swirling the 70 thousand dollars’ worth of Scotch in his glass, “you have a little recording device in this cowl of yours that’s filming everything you see, is that right? Thinking to stir up a bit of a scandal? Maybe drop off a little something in Miss Lane’s pigeonhole at the Planet?”

Batman said nothing. Lex sighed, and calmly set his glass down on the desk. 

He faced Batman, back straight, head held high. He never stopped smiling. 

“Maybe this sort of thing would work back in that smelly backwards dump you call home,” he said, “but kindly do me a favor and look out the window. Then tell me. How many gargoyles do you see?”

“Of course, that was a rhetorical question,” he picked up when Batman simply kept on glaring at him. “Zero. You will find exactly zero gargoyles here, because I hate them. And I _built_ this town. I own everything you can see from this window. Metropolis is the City of Tomorrow because I made it so, and here, I am king. Nothing you do can touch me. The papers will print what I tell them to print, the news anchors will read what I tell them to read, your footage will be deemed inadmissible and doctored and nothing you could possibly throw at me will stick. All you’ll have achieved will amount to a mild headache, and then I’m going to sue you and the Planet for libel. Don’t for a second think I won’t have my lawyers hounding you down, and adding breaking and entering to the charges while they’re at it.” 

“If it gives you a headache, it’ll be worth it.”

“Oh, I’m sure you think so now.” Lex rested a hand on his hip again. “But let me reiterate, since you’re being understandably slow tonight: I’m untouchable. Just ask your pal in the red tights — he knows all about it. If, however, you do decide to do anything foolish…” Lex took a step forward. Batman didn’t move. “Know that I won’t stop until I own every single miserable scrap of land in Gotham, and then raze it all to the ground. Only then will I turn my resources to discrediting and unmasking _you_.” He picked up the glass again, and took a sip. “Just so we’re on the same page. It’s better for everyone involved if you don’t make this personal.”

Batman didn’t glance over his shoulder through the open bedroom door, but Lex imagined him doing so anyway. He didn’t bother articulating what they both knew. 

It had been personal ever since he’d thrown back the covers.

He let Batman stew in this for a bit, and then moved to lean back against his desk instead. Since they were all three of them in the same room for once and no one was throwing batarangs at his head yet, might as well go for the kill. He really was feeling magnanimous tonight, and with any luck, he’d get a good half a year free of Gothamites out of it. That was nothing to scoff at.

“It’s not like we’ve been doing anything illegal, anyway,” Lex argued. “In fact, you should be thanking me. I’m sure lots of people would be dead by now if I hadn’t indulged him, and I’m told that you heroes tend to frown on that sort of thing.”

“Is that it?” If voices could drip disdain, Lex’s carpet would be soaked by now. “You sleep with the Joker to stop him going on a crime spree?”

“Well,” Lex allowed. “After a fashion, yes, you could say that. I’m sure you’re all too aware what he’s like when he’s in one of his more… volatile moods. It’s usually either let him blow up half of Metropolis or distract him with other types of... entertainment, and well, the choice really is quite simple. I’m not about to unleash a frenzied Joker on my own city, am I?”

“How heroic.”

“I like to think so.” Lex smirked, and raised his glass in a mock toast. “Then again I do also get good sex out of it. You really should try it. It’s astounding the things he can do with his mouth when he’s not using it to spout nonsense.”

There it was again — the stiffening. It was fascinating, really. Apparently all one had to do was mention sex — or sex with the Joker, to be precise — and Batman tensed all over instantly, as if someone had snuck up on him from behind and jammed a stick down his back. It would almost have been enough to take pity on the poor man, if Lex were a kinder person.

He grinned inwardly. 

And decided to twist the knife in some more instead. 

“In fact,” he pressed, “you really should consider actually taking him up on all that flirting. You do know he’s acting up because he wants your attention, right? You’re supposed to be smart and it’s not like he’s subtle about it. So — and let me know if I’m going too fast for you — it only stands to reason that if he gets the attention, he won’t be half as much of a nuisance as he is when he’s trying to pull your pigtails. Mathematically speaking, it’s a win-win for everyone.”

“And what would you get out of it?” Batman growls.

“I get to spend my evenings in more creative ways than having to listen to him rant about how you’re ignoring him and not appreciating him like you should.” Lex gave himself a moment to enjoy the way Batman’s mouth tightened at that. “As… pleasant as the sex is, I could do without that particular bit. So why won’t you do the entire world a favor and actually fuck him, hm? Spare us all the headache.”

He took a long sip, closing his eyes, throwing the glass back and letting the delectable burn warm up his throat. If he hadn’t he would laugh in Batman’s face again, and he feared that it would rather spoil the effect. 

He turned his back on the man, and gazed out the window, contemplating the view. 

“He cries out for you, sometimes,” he said quietly. “Pretending I’m you. Personally I couldn’t care less what’s going on in that deranged head of his, but I thought you’d like to know.” He smirked, observing the shadow of his own reflection in the glass. “You’re welcome.”

When Lex turned around again, he was alone in the study. 

He did chuckle then — softly — and went back to gazing out the window at his city, glittering strong and bright and proud as far as the eye could see. 

He wasn’t surprised when, some time later, a pair of skinny arms wrapped around his chest from behind. 

“He’s gone,” Joker observed, resting his pointy chin on Lex’s shoulder. 

“So it would seem.” Lex didn’t bother turning around.

“Didn’t even try to take me with him.”

“I suppose the prospect of having to carry you naked put him off.”

“Figures,” Joker huffed. “Batsy can be such a prude sometimes. And here I took such pains to sprawl all sexy-like, too.”

“I noticed,” Lex commented, studying the way the glass reflected them both together against the skyline. “I was surprised you managed to stay still for that long.”

“You were having so much fun, I didn’t want to butt in.”

“Very considerate.”

“Of course. I’m a very considerate person,” Joker said, and then bit Lex’s ear.

“You’re a nightmare, is what you are,” Lex murmured, angling his head away. 

“I did tell you that he’d come over looking for me, didn’t I?” There was just a hint of smug satisfaction in Joker’s voice now, his long, spindly fingers diving under the folds of Lex’s nightgown. 

Lex sighed. “Yes, yes, you two are soulmates, you’re destined to be together forever, you can read each other’s minds. I _know_ , Joker. In case you didn’t notice, I was trying to help you out just now.”

“I did notice! You were brilliant as a matchmaker,” Joker exclaimed, and Lex winced. 

“Indoor voice please,” he muttered, and rolled his eyes when Joker planted a loud kiss on his ear, the same spot he’d bitten earlier. He turned. “Let’s talk about how — is that my bathrobe?”

“You weren’t using it,” Joker pointed out, moving back to perch on Lex’s desk and, indeed, wearing one of Lex’s spare bathrobes that was far too large for his emaciated body. 

His legs were too long for Joker to dangle them childishly in the air. He gave it his best shot anyway, and dragged bare feet over the carpet as a result.

Lex shook his head and poured himself another drink, and then, after a moment’s deliberation, he poured one for Joker, too. He _had_ had a good night, and most of it was, bizarrely, thanks to Joker. He wasn’t above acknowledging that. 

He raised his glass. “To repressed bat-themed vigilantes. May he take the hint, so I don’t have to waste any more of my time on you two idiots and your relationship woes.”

Joker laughed, loud and bright. “Oh, but you’d be so bored without me, Lexie, admit it.”

Lex rolled his eyes. Life was too short for him to try and unpack all that was wrong with that statement, though, and he _was_ still coasting on the pleasant buzz of getting to one-up Batman. So charitably, he settled for, “Great minds are never bored.” 

“I’ll drink to that.” Joker clinked his glass against Lex’s with enthusiasm, and waited for Lex to sit down in the chair across from the desk before he planted both his feet on the chair’s armrests.

They drank. And for a few precious moments, all was right with the world.

“Do you really think it might work?” Joker asked, gazing down into his glass. 

Lex sighed. He really had hoped that the topic was closed now. “Don’t know, don’t care,” he said. “I already expedited far too much mental energy on your nonsense as it is.”

Joker’s grin turned sharp. “But you did get good sex out of it,” he said, mimicking the tone of Lex’s voice. “Isn’t that what you told Batsy?”

Lex allowed himself an answering half-smirk. 

“And I did give you that idea for your armor earlier,” Joker reminded him. 

“Yes, yes, you can be useful to have around when you’re not being a pest.” Lex let his hand drop over Joker’s ankle on the armrest. “Done fishing for compliments?”

“Maybe.” Joker tilted his head to the side, winking. “I might like to fish for something else instead.”

His foot prodded Lex’s chest. Lex pushed it away. “Not now,” he said. “I have work to do.”

“Oh all right.” Joker didn’t seem particularly put out by the rejection. “I think I’ll take my leave now, in that case. Since Bats is in town and all. Wouldn’t want him to go to all this trouble for nothing, would we?”

“I thought you were mad at him.” Lex frowned. “Wasn’t that the whole point of this?”

“Oh, it was. And I think it might have worked.” Joker’s smile was turning sharp again, his eyes glinting in a way that tended to mean pain for a whole lot of people. “You definitely gave him something to think about, Lexie baby.”

“Don’t call me that,” Lex murmured, more out of habit than anything else. “Whatever you’re planning, it better not be too expensive.”

“Don’t you worry about a thing, my baby funky boo,” Joker purred, flexing his legs to pull Lex’s chair closer to the desk. He slid down on Lex’s lap. “You’ve been so good.” He kissed Lex’s cheek, and then the other, and leaned in to whisper in his ear. “In exchange I’ll be good, too, and I’ll try not to blow up anything too important.”

Lex sighed. “The statue of Superman in Centennial Park,” he suggested, “if you absolutely must.”

“You got it, sexy Lexie.” 

“Joker.”

“Hmmm?”

“Take the short way out. No deaths. I’m too busy to have to deal with the Planet making a fuss on top of everything else.”

“Mmm, of course. That new armor design?” 

“Maybe.” 

“Needs more purple, too, if you ask me.”

“Oh for god’s sake, you think everything needs more purple. Go. I’ve got work to do.”

“Mind if I play with your flyboy a little, too?”

Lex smirked, and didn’t turn away when Joker sought out his mouth for a goodbye kiss. 

“Give him a headache from me,” he said once Joker was off his lap and sauntering back into the bedroom.

Joker stopped in the doorway. “Oh, I intend to. With a little help from my friend here.” He reached into the pocket of the bathrobe.

A bright green gleam flashed in Lex’s eyes before Joker slipped the piece of Kryptonite back into the pocket and ran off, cackling.

For a white hot second Lex thought to run after him and wrestle the stolen piece back from the bastard, but then he thought better of it. That little piece cost more than the entire borough, population included, but, well. Lex could afford to lose it, and it was better to pick his battles where Joker was concerned. He stayed where he was, nursed his glass of whisky and swiveled back to the window, letting the sight of Metropolis help him regain some of that peace of mind he’d enjoyed just moments ago.

It lasted five minutes tops, right until he spotted Joker, fully decked out in his signature purples now, flying away over the city on a jetpack the son of a bitch had obviously stolen from Lex’s own secret lab. 

Lex sighed, and pressed the cool glass to his head.

He activated the comm.

“Mercy?”

“Sir.”

“Bring me the specs for the latest updates to the armor. And have Porter prepare a statement regarding the tragic destruction of a beloved city monument that LexCorp had absolutely nothing to do with. Any pieces of Lexcorp tech found on the site were obviously stolen. Make sure we have records of breaking and entering to corroborate that.”

He wasn’t going to get any more sleep tonight, anyway, Lex thought as, somewhere in the distance, an explosion shook the city from the direction of Centennial Park. 

Might as well get back to work.


End file.
